Sleeping Is Giving In

Here's how my weekend went, as told by my friend and partner in crime, Moondancer:


laurawettersten.blogspot.com/2011/01/cabin-in-woods.html

I did a really interesting writing exercise that I would encourage all of you to do. It really made me think and gave me some insight into what I can improve in my writing, and I think more importantly, forced me to acknowledge the good things I do in my writing.

I'd love to see if you agree/disagree with my lists, and I'd love for you to share your lists with me as well.

Check it out here at my author blog: laurawettersten.blogspot.com/2010/12/roll-away-your-stone.html

Go here:

laurawettersten.blogspot.com/2010/10/nanowrimo.html

Thanks, lovelies.

I'm stressed out.

That's pretty much it. If you want to just skip the rest of this post, have at it. I won't blame you. I just need somewhere to vent.

So a bunch of teachers I thought were my friends stabbed me in the back (so awesome of them, I know) and pretty much doubled my teaching load this year. This not only pissed me off, it made my teaching day hell. It's not that I don't get breaks in my day for relaxing, writing, or, hey, using the bathroom... it's more that I have whole mornings or afternoons with JUST elementary.

In case you're not a teacher and don't know what this means, it means that I am spending huge chunks of my day with large groups of 5-10 year olds. In other words, these kids are NEEDY. It's not like you can give them a task and have them work independently. They need constant attention. It's a relentless cacophony of "I have to pee" or "Can you tie my shoe?" or "What did you say? I didn't pay attention...." or "He's kicking me!"  and I just can't do it. I just CAN'T. I maybe could handle it if I had a break between classes, or even an older class between the youngsters. But I don't. And to be quite honest, most days I just feel like crying. I feel like locking myself in the janitor's closet and rocking back and forth hugging myself until they call the authorities to come get me. And I seriously don't know if I can handle a whole year of this. Not on top of all the other stressful stuff I do.

One big source of stress, too, is not having the time to write like I want. And even more than not having enough time for it, when I do have a minute to sit and write, I'm mostly too unfocused and mentally exhausted to put a decent sentence together. I've been working on something for a month now and it just now got to 17K words. That was something I could muster in a week last year, when I was at my mental best. And really, that's what it boils down to: I'm just not at my mental best right now. I'm too fucking tired to be.

I'm working on my masters for library science right now too, and until this quarter it was going pretty well. *sigh*

I just desperately want a job where I am not required to be "ON" all day long. I've said it before and I'll say it again - the happiest I've ever been was stocking shelves at Walgreens. Customer service could be stressful but it wasn't CONSTANT. It gave me time to zone out into my own little world.

Teaching is so rewarding, and I do love it. But the thing is, I feel like I could be a lot better person if I wasn't teaching. I know I'd be a better wife, a better thinker, a better writer, a better friend, etc etc etc...

Case in point. Hubby's been wonderful about how tired I am and how grumpy I am on a day to day basis this year. He rarely asks for attention at all, and I know he needs a lot so that's been a big change for us, because I don't have much left in me at the end of the day. But sometimes when he asks for attention, he tends to do it like the kids would: by following me around, or being loud, or doing it in a whining voice, or making the occasional jab at me about how I'm not attentive. The thing is, I love spending time with him and if he just asked politely, without the pleas for attention or jabs, I would TOTALLY be okay with spending time with him. I love hanging with him. He de-stresses me like nothing else in the world. But when he does it like that, after a full day of basically getting the same thing from 300 school children, I'm DONE. My first reaction, without fail, will be a snapped comment back or an exasperated sigh or pulling my hair out, which only serve to make us both feel worse. But I wouldn't snap in the first place if I wasn't tired. So...

So. In summary, I'm tired as hell, I want a different job, and I'm like a junkie who has gone too long without a fix as far as writing is concerned.

It's not all bad, though. Don't get me wrong. Went to see MUSE with Mel the other day, and it was one of the best concerts I've seen in a long time. I wish I had the time to review it properly, but for now: truly talented musicians that think more like classical composers than rock stars, an exceptionally tight sound, awesome staging and effects, and the best vocals I've heard in concert (other than Adam and Celine, of course, but who can compare to them?). I may write about them on my author blog. We'll see. I have a notion to tie it to writing.

The fandom continues to crack me up and keep me smiling. Other than some truly despicable (note the word I used there, people. Not crazy or batshit, not just douchey. DESPICABLE.) people doing horrible shit to Adam on Facebook, it's been a helluva few weeks in the fandom. The highlight of which might have been last night, when Adam "gave" Tommy a performance of Enter Sandman for his birthday. Talk about fucking awesome vocals. And of course, all of it impromptu and flawless anyways, with plenty of fanservice to love. And go ahead and accuse me of loving Tommy more than Adam because I'm sure someone will say so, but whatever. Pretty boy is pretty, and the more I know about him the more I adore him and the more I understand how much of a family that band is, and it totally gives me the warm fuzzies.

Also, I am planning on saying something on my other blog as well, but I'll say it here: I'm sure you are all wondering why I've been so quiet about the anti-gay bullying and the suicides. The truth is that I'm so saddened by all of this I just can't process it, really. We're trying to combat bullying at my school and it's a big undertaking and no matter how good of a job we do, we're going to miss things. It breaks my heart to think about. But...

In a way I feel like I've said so much about this. REFUGE was written to fight against homophobia, especially in conservative and religious environments. Everything I could possibly say about it has been said in a much more eloquent and accessible way by Nic Amati and Brad King in my book, so... If you want to read my thoughts about how society has to change and not just be tolerant but be loving, equal, and just, ask for a copy of my book.

Ok. I feel immensely better so... I'm going to just end this here. Thanks for putting up with my rambling.

Yeah, I know you do.

So if you really love me, come on and let it show.

Follow this link and show your love by ripping the first page of my novel apart, bit by bloody bit. Yes, I'm telling you to have at my baby, my PRECIOUS. Seriously. Help.

First Page Critique Session This Way

And while you're there, punks, follow my blog.

So... I kind of write fanfiction sometimes. And since I was doing this whole glambertsbb thing I thought, "Gee, it would be nice to post fanfic somewhere separate from my actual journal." So...

Here it is. Only one story so far, an Adam/Tommy fic, but it's kind of epic. (Epic = long). Also, the artist who worked with the story made an amazing fanmix and art to accompany it.

I'm working on some other Adam/Tommy stuff. Pretty much Adam/anyone is fair game. Also, Josh Groban. Yes, I'm almost sure I'll go back to him at some point. So here it is. Bookmark it. Friend it. Make sweet love to it down by the fire.

My Fic Journal - My Silent Hour

On why I decided to make my hero a countertenor:

laurawettersten.blogspot.com/2010/07/countertenors-and-characters.html

Go. Enjoy a feast for the ears.

inknmetalrings gave me five more questions, because she's just that awesome, and boy were these thinkers:

1. What book did you really think you'd love but just couldn't even finish?

Ken Follett's Pillars of the Earth. Really wanted to love that one, and I did...what I read of it, but it just didn't go anywhere fast enough for me.

And, oh the shame... I cannot finish Anne Rice's The Witching Hour for the life of me. I've tried repeatedly over the years, get more than halfway through, and give up. It's usually about the point where I have to start drawing out the family tree that I give up. Anne has a special place in my heart because she wrote my favorite book, Cry To Heaven, but I just can't seem to manage this one.

Both have this long, winding prose that I love and cross-generational story lines, but I just couldn't do it.

2. What keeps your writing even when you seem to be the only one reading/or interested in your work?

The easy answer to this is that I am lucky enough to never feel this way. My friend Ann is indispensable as a beta, both in my fanfiction and  my novels. She is a fellow Scribbulus editor, and I can't remember exactly when she came aboard as a full time beta for me (although I'm sure she remembers how she got herself into this mess, LOL)  but to say she's been there for me is a crime of an understatement. Sarah is my cheerleader and always prompts me for more. Mel has been a champion for me as well with REFUGE, and her thoughts have really helped shape that novel, as she's an expert at YA lit and literature in general. My friend Erin is always there to discuss the work in depth, and Nina, my editor for my first novel, is always just a Skype ping away, and she taught me pretty much all I know about the editing process.

But that's not really an answer to that question. Writing is a very lonely profession, if I can dare to call it that at this point in my career, and you need constant feedback, reassurance, and reality checks. So during those times that I feel alone in this, it is, without question, THE NEED to write that pushes me to write. Like any addict, if I don't get to dive into my imaginary worlds and put it down in words a few times a week at least, I go through painful, often almost manic, withdrawal.

This quote from Rainer Maria Rilke hits the nail on the head, so much so that I'm considering getting a portion of it tattooed:

This most of all: ask yourself in the most silent hour of your night: must I write? Dig into yourself for a deep answer. And if this answer rings out in assent, if you meet this solemn question with a strong, simple “I must,” then build your life in accordance with this necessity; your while life, even into its humblest and most indifferent hour, must become a sign and witness to this impulse.

3. Sing or play an instrument or both?

Both. I started piano in the Suzuki method when I was three years old, learned to actually read music when I was eleven, picked up horn at 13, and as for singing... Long story there. Began lessons when I was in middle school, felt pitifully behind (and also crushingly shy about it) during high school so didn't really do much with singing until I performed in the Revue my junior year and a wonderful but stingy-on-the-compliments director told me I had a nice voice. Wanted to major in it in college but lacked the technique, and once I had taken enough lessons to have the technique, the college would not let me triple major (as I was already majoring in horn and piano) so... I ended up moving to Chicago after college to study Speech Level Singing with one of the best teachers in the biz for two years. I consider singing to be my "main instrument" now.

4. Besides writing and music, what other art "languages" do you speak? Hear?

I really, really wish I could say painting or dancing, but all my talents seemed to be wrapped up in music or writing. Because I'm an introvert and because I think I am, above all else, a philosopher, I generally enjoy anything that gives me time alone in my head. I make jewelry quite a bit. The simple repetition and keeping my hands busy allows me to retreat into my thoughts for hours at a time. It also gives me something to do with the spacial creativity I do have, which admittedly isn't much, but I end up with some nice earrings. LOL

5. Grammatical pet peeve?

(Keep in mind that most of these peeves are peeves because I've learned not to do them the hard way, so I pick them out easily)

Using the wrong freaking word. There, their, they're. Your, you're. It's, its.

Should of, would of, could of instead of HAVE. OMG. How do you even make a contraction out of those? Could'f? How do people make that mistake?

Dangling participles (omg, guilty as charged. Still do it, but looking at my writing in high school, it's a wonder I passed English.)

And one thing that will, without fail, cause me to stop reading your otherwise perfect writing: Saying "breath" instead of "breathe." IT DRIVES ME OUT OF MY FREAKING MIND. If J.K. Rowling had ever made that mistake I honestly would have put down Harry Potter. Yes, sometimes it's just a typo. But some people honestly don't know the difference and it makes me want to scream.

Stolen from my dear friend princessleia04!

- Leave a comment saying "HEY HEY HEY"
- I'll respond by asking you five questions to satisfy my curiosity.
- Update your journal with the answers to your questions.
- Include this explanation and offer to ask other people questions.


Here's what she asked me:

1. Last album you bought/put on your ipod?

Okay, I admit it. I just now put Allison Iraheta's CD on my iPod. I, uh, didn't really find it appealing until I heard her in concert with Adam and thought, "OMG, why haven't I been listening to her all along?" And yeah, the CD doesn't compare to what she's like live but, I will fully support her as an artist cause she's a powerhouse and she's only going to get better. I've also been jamming to some great indie bands: Broken Bells, The Black Keys, Band of Skulls, and Fleet Foxes. Awesome.

2. One food that you could eat forever and not get tired of?

Mashed potatoes. OMG mashed potatoes. Anytime, any place, mashed potatoes.

3. If you could live anywhere in the US where would it be and why?

Lots of answers for this. I fell in love with Chicago while I was there and would love to live there again some day. I'd like to live in NYC just to say I did, and LA just to balance that out. I'm seriously drawn to both Montana and Northern California, though I've never been to either. But I feel like I could easily find my niche in those places. Also, I want to live in the South. We're talking Deep South. I want to understand the culture a bit.

4. How long have you and Andy been together? (I think you told me this a long time ago and I dont remember, so...tell me again. I know how long you've been married, but no idea how long you were together before that)

Um, let me do the math... We got together the summer after my freshman year of college, so that would have been 2000. We knew each other the summer before that but didn't date. So... six years with the boy before we married. Good lord.

5. Recommend me something new to read.

I don't know if you've read the Hunger Games series by Suzanne Collins or not, but if not, go buy them. NOW. Amazing books for teens, awesome for adults. I'm in the middle of Diana Gabaldon's Outlander, which Jenn and Kristy recommended, and it's fantastic. There are parts where I want to move the story faster, but the pretty prose is worth wading through.

Hi, LiveJournal. I know you've missed me as much as I've missed you. Let's be friends again, okay?

The play is finally over. It's been a long process this year. We did Willy Wonka, which is seriously involved. Tons of singing, tons of dancing, tons of costuming, tons of special effects. And you know what? Greatest cast ever. These kids are beyond talented. They did it all (some of them in accents) and the show most certainly had a life of its own.

I'm already in that post-show slump where I'm bored and missing the kids.

Have I mentioned how awesome the kids were? Because they awed me. The boys that played Charlie and Wonka, the girls playing Oompas Loompas and Violet and Veruca especially.

I wrote the 8th graders letters to read after the final show, which has become a sort of tradition with me. I always wonder while I'm writing them if the kids will really care what I have to say, but this year I'm so glad I wrote them. Even the boys got teary reading them and they all told me how much it meant to them.

Have I told you how much I loved this cast? Because I do. So talented.

ANYWAY. So a mom asked me if I'd be willing to take her daughter and two friends to the Adam Lambert concert in Toledo in a few weeks. I stupidly said yes. Now I'm wondering if I'll be able to behave myself enough to show my face around the school next year. Oh god...

I figure I can behave for that one and seriously misbehave for the Columbus one. Right??? No students there, so why not? Certain bass players should be warned *coughTommyJoecough*

In other news, I auditioned for and was offered the part of Lady Larken in the civic theater's production of Once Upon a Mattress, but the director apparently decided (AFTER calling me to tell me I got Larken and to confirm my schedule with me) that missing 2 rehearsals a week for my classes this summer was just not going to fly. So I guess I'm not playing Larken, and I probably won't be in the production at all. Not being a diva here, just saying, if I'm gonna spend the time with all my classes this summer and everything, I might as well have a reason for it. So that's that.

Speaking of classes, the first one starts in a few weeks. Some part of me is looking forward to being in school again. Another part of me wants to whine and say I've had enough of this.

I put Refuge revisions and also my fic, Call the Darkness Light, aside for the past few weeks to concentrate on the play, but this week I hope to get back to both. Call the Darkness needs to be finished in a month for the Big Bang Challenge and Refuge needs to be polished ASAP so I can start sending it out. I can hopefully get back to them this week, as I have nothing but the choir concert going on, and we're pretty much ready to go with that.

School's over June 4th.

It cannot come soon enough.

I think that's all I have. Peace out, girl scout.